i remember the first time i saw that result. 2002, i remember thinking, well more like hoping i could will it to be so. to be positive. if i didn’t watch it for three minutes. if i just put it on the counter and walked away. i remember seeing it for 3 months. then 6 months. then 9 months, for a year. then another. sometimes i would walk the aisles of Babys R Us, just to see if i could jinx it. i know, it was crazy. 2003 i remember buying the bonus package – hoping i would only need the one. i remember following tips and tricks for an accurate testing ; just doing all i could to hope for a positive positive. always getting a positive negative. that freakin single line.

will and i had talked openly about our desire for a family while we were dating, 2001. it was no secret we wanted a big-ish family. we were looking forward to that season in our lives. we talked about adoption and how we would love for that to be part of our journey. i remember being so happy and grateful to know that we were on the same page. my youngest brother joined our family through the miracle of adoption ; i prayed to be so lucky one day. when i was older and wiser.

so a couple years of way too many positive negatives…why did i do that to myself. every month. well some months i didn’t take it but you know starting is just as clear a signal as a single line on the stick is.  as if i could beat the clock before i started each month. we had gone to the dr. we had done the testing. oh the testing. it’s a special kind of humiliation. everyone trying to find reasons for all the positive negatives. i went to a couple doctors. i heard some ridiculous things and some helpful things and so heart breaking things. will was so supportive. we talked about it every day. he listened to me talk in circles. we cried together. we laughed together. we would talk about how we just can’t get it right and then laugh with tears. humor has always been my favorite choice of medicine. after much prayer we knew that pursuing medical options wasn’t right for us. i was diagnosed with severe endometriosis and we were just hoping for a miracle. i was at peace but still so very sad.

we were young. we weren’t what one would call financially well off or stable for that matter. will was in school full time at Boise State University, working more than full time. i was working as a pre school teacher then at a spa and as a nanny. our days were busy. we had dogs. we had cats. we had a home. a yard. we had callings. we had family. we had friends. our days were full. we were so very blessed.i feel like we made the most of it. despite the constant pain in my heart.

well meaning people would tell us to not worry about kids, to just enjoy our lives and that one day we wouldn’t be able to have this time back. blah blah. it only served as reminder that no matter what we did we couldn’t change the fact that the next chapter in our journey wouldn’t be written how we were hoping. then there were the folks who told us “just relax”, that is literally one of the worst things you can say to someone longing for children and constantly coming up short. or maybe if you visit taught all the time or read scriptures every day or prayed more often…then we would get pregnant. if only it were that simple. not to say i didn’t try to be more valiant in hopes of a miracle.

one morning in the late fall of 2004, will and i separately had the same experience. it was time to adopt. this was the right thing now. i was filled up the most overwhelming joy, peace, excitement and fear that day. i remember calling him to tell him about my experience, only to hear his was just the same. it was time for our next chapter.

so many questions. where to start? what to do? how? when? so i made a list of where to call to get started. first CASI adoption agency, then LDS Family Services. I made those phone calls. i picked up packets. oh i love packets. that i something i miss with everything being so digital. it was really was the beginning to the positives of the so many negatives we had experienced.