Tonight we went to our stake trek social finale. Our theme was Our Season to be Strong.

Trek was last month and it was amazing. I need to write that all down.

Tonight we watched the incredible video that was made. So many moments and time captured – they were stealthy at photographing. Didn’t even see them around during some of those moments.

As I was seeing dozens of photos of these amazing youth we came to love so much, I had this thought. . .

I could see their strength during some really hard times. I hope that’s what they saw too. Saw that they were capable of doing, not only difficult tasks but incredible ones too. I hope they saw those photos and thought about how amazing they are. I know I was so proud and impressed by their strength.

Our Heavenly Father can always see us. He sees the strength on our face, even we can not. He sees the dedication in our eyes. He sees the pain, the peace we seek, the comfort we need. Even we can not. He blesses each of us in countless ways, even if we can not see them right at first.

I am so grateful for this little tender experience I had tonight. For the visual reminder of how aware He is of us. Our Father in Heaven is cheering for us, our Savior is cheering for us. They know what we are capable of, even when we are not.

being the good.

it’s very popular right now. do good. be the good. be kind. these sayings are small but pack a punch of wisdom. while i love these phrases and what they stand for, i fear that i haven’t spent as much time as i should have contemplating what they mean for me.

the last few months i have had several experiences that have stopped me and had me reflecting on what is happening in my life in reference to my efforts to share kindness and how it is being received in my life.

with all the kids in school all day this year i have had the chance to substitute teach at their school. it gives me a chance to pretend to be a teacher, haha, and see my kids during their day. a little nugget into their worlds from 8:30-3:30. i have taught kindergarten thru high school. it’s been a new challenge that i have enjoyed doing a handful of times. i especially enjoy the new perspectives i gain. each time i sub, my love for my own children multiples. i see what they deal with on the daily – the crazy kids, the expectations … it can be exhausting. i am always so grateful for who they are, even more so. i want to hug them more tightly after school and really know how they are. cause i know i am EXHAUSTED when i am done. i also gain deeper appreciations for their teachers. we have been so very blessed with the best. they are true super heroes. i also love to spend time with all these students. so many kids are struggling, some seem to struggle silently, others not so much. i really do enjoy the chance to learn from them. so many amazing souls out there!

a couple of weeks ago i subbed for our beloved music/orchestra teacher. the kind of teacher the kids all adore because she is just awesome, so kind, supportive and she believes in them. harrison loves the violin like never before this year and we are so grateful.

subbing for her allowed the chance for several different classes to come into the class room. they were all filled with lots of energy, ya feel?  a couple of classes we ended in meditation because phew i was tired and i know there were some quieter ones who needed that time too. one class there had been a couple of kids in particular who really struggled showing respect and listening. towards the end of class i noted that they were together, looking at me and pointing, then drawing, then laughing. i had seen them not be as kind as they should have been to others in the class and reminded them what values our school teaches and expects.  now it was at me and this was a newer feeling. i sat there for a minute and watched. a couple of other kids could see what was happening. and i thought “are they really laughing at me?” like mocking me? have you had that happen before? it’s awful and i wanted to scoop up any kid would had ever felt that way and squeeze them and tell them how loved they are.

i walked around the class room looking for a missing rubber band and trying to be all jason bourne to notice what was being drawn – hoping it wasn’t what i was suspecting. i walked by them, saw the drawing they were trying to erase. swiftly picked it up and held it in my arms. the artist immediately replied to my action “i didn’t do anything THAT bad”.

i went back to the teacher desk, turned off the meditation, excused the class to go to recess and asked the artist and friend to come with me to the principal. the thought that kept running thru my mind was, “if they feel this okay with treating an adult this way, i can’t even imagine what they feel okay with doing to their peers”.

i texted will and said “i’ve been bullied by a ____ grader” part in shock, part trying to not laugh and mostly just so sad that this is reality for so many.  too many.  it got me thinking about so much.

bullying is real. it isn’t a right of passage. it’s isn’t part of growing up. it isn’t acceptable. it is damaging. it is wrong. it is happening every day. my kids have all experienced some kind of unkind behavior at some point. and my kids go to an awesome school. a school where values are taught and supported. even there, bullying is real. what i found so sad was when i talked with my kids about this – they each had stories to tell. stories of things people had done that weren’t kind but they just brushed off. say what? no brushing off. stand up for yourself, remove yourself from those negative sources from your life. we have a choice to make – no matter our backgrounds – to be the good or not. clearly this artist is having some struggles…as hard as it may be they need our kindess. the ones who cause the pain and the hurt, need kindness too.

the following day i picked up my kids and was handed a thick stack of beautifully hand drawn cards from the entire class. i was so surprised and excited to read each one. i did however want to talk with the teacher about it just so she knew it wasn’t so much a class problem and briefly chat about it. she taught me a very important lesson, another perspective. she shared that one of the cowboy ethics they learn is about representing the brand with integrity. that while not everyone drew that picture or laughed at me, no one else stood up for what was right. no one else said to stop. she said we are all in this together and they know that. it’s up to everyone to support each other in making those right choices. I LOVE THIS. i now understood why the whole class took the time to draw beautiful art, share messages of thanks and apologies. none of us are perfect, we make mistakes and hopefully learn and improve because of them. that’s the beauty of it. lessons in kindness, integrity and forgiving are available for all, i am sure.

while this little experience struck many conversations with my family, one of the reoccurring themes we talked about, was being a good friend and surrounding yourself with good friends. we can be a good friend to someone who isn’t one to us. that’s not the healthiest option when there are so many out there who want to be a good friend. life is too short to invest in those who don’t see your value. we can share kindness with everyone though, no matter the friendship status. and everyone needs kindness. i have found that most the time people genuinely want to be good – good to others, good enough with their efforts, just good. but for those who we struggle with, with seeing their good – there must be a reason. maybe they haven’t been on the receiving end of kindness for so long, they aren’t sure how to share it and sometimes all the kindness in the world can’t fix that. but it certainly doesn’t hurt to try …  keep that dialogue open in your families, i imagine if my kids had stories i had never heard, yours might too.

being the good can look a bit different for everyone, but the result is the same.

doing good makes life so good.

Two weeks ago, will was in a car accident. 

I was in Rexburg getting my hair did. We had our favorite sitter with the kids. I had asked will to be home by 6:30 in case I was running late as our sitter needed to leave at that time.

He called me when he left work. He does this everyday. It’s my favorite phone call of the day. Cause you know, I like it when he’s home. A lot. So I was going to have more time, decided to do a little shopping. Most likely window shopping, but fun nonetheless. Then about 20 mins later he called me again. 

This time he was loud and almost hyper. I said hello. He said “tiff! You gotta go home. Pause. My car got rear ended. Pause. It’s bad, like my wheel is off”  in those milliseconds I was like whaaaa?! I said “are you okay, are you hurt? Where are you at? He assured me was fine but wouldn’t be home in time anymore. That was his main concern. Typical. This man is a considerate one and always thinking of others. 

I quickly got on the freeway, I was already driving at this point. Then traffic hit a deadstop. Freakin road construction. And car accidents. Ugh. 

I texted our sitter, her amazing older sister came to switch her out. It was blessing that I can’t adequately express to not have to worry about my kids during this whole saga. I knew they were safe and loved. 

I was stuck in traffic and a panic mess. I just wanted to be with will. Even if it was just a fender bender. Outside of our neighborhood. Finally 20 minutes later. Felt three times that. I made it to our exit. 

As I drove up CL I saw that traffic was being directed. Panic. Sharp pains in my heart and my hands. I saw siren lights going. I saw people standing around. I realized immediately this wasn’t a fender bender. I pulled up and explained to the officer that that was my husband and where can I park? I parked, said anothe silent prayer and quickly got to will. Again he was speaking loudly. He continues to claim that he wasn’t. But dang he was so loud. In fact I thought maybe he hit his head and didn’t remember. So I hug him tightly. We examine the car together. The driver of the other car was a young man in his twenties. He was alone in the car but had several family members there. 

As I examine the car. Where it happened. How it happened. My heart sank. In every literal sense Will’s life had been spared. He was at a complete stop, waiting for the cross traffic to stop so he could turn. The driver was distracted, not watching the road. driving 50-60 miles an hour. He looked up, saw Will and swerved, only hit the back right end. The driver then flew across both lanes miraculously avoiding any cars and was stopped by a weed wall at the ditch. Miracle. Upon miracle. 

Will’s car was pushed just a foot into the oncoming crossing traffic lanes. A foot more. Things would have been different. If the driver hadn’t seen him and hit him square on. Things would have been different. If Will hadn’t had his seatbelt on. Things would have been different. Miracle. 

But things are different. He is here. He is healthy. He is safe. He was part of yet another miracle. He would downplay it as much as possible for forever if he could. Because he doesn’t like the attention. I saw pish posh. This is a legit miracle. Angels were there and he was protected. Over the next few days his neck hurt. He said he felt like he had been at a Metallica concert and strangled. Sad. 

I spoke with the one of the officers about what had happened while we waited for tow trucks . He looked me square in the eye and said “everything that happened during the accident…Well if it had happened differently, anything at all. We would be dealing with a real tragedy.” 

So Will’s car was totaled. Yes there annoyance in that. Annoyance that because someone made the choice to do something other than drive while driving, my husband was hit. But the gratitude for his protection outweighs the other. Most of the time. Every now and then I get waves of ughhhhh. But they are quickly replaced with a shaky heart of what if’s and thank goodness! 

How grateful I am that Heavenly Father is truly aware of us. It doesn’t mean we are exempt from hardships, sorrow or tragedy. He is there though. He comforts us. He guides us. He protects us. Regardless if we deserve it or not, he loves us perfectly. I hope to never forget what my heart felt as I realized what had happened. The miracle of protection. 

Love my Will. 

My oldest, Kadence turned 12 this month! 12! I can remember holding, cradling her and observing her every move for the first time – like it was just this very day. I remember when she turned 6, she wanted a wizard of oz birthday party. Family and friends came to adore her. She had ruby slippers on, her favorite dinner and a gorgeous rainbow layered cake. I remember thinking this is half was to 12! But that’s forever away…not anymore. 

She’s an amazing young lady. With so many talents. Her heart is truly a treasure and made of gold. Her arrival was because of many miracles and love. So much love. 

When your the first kid – your the first to do all the new things…the wild or lame ideas your parentals have. Alas we started something new. 12 year vacay dates. A little getaway with each parent – just the two of us. 

Kadence and I had the opportunity to visit family in California for a bridal shower. I quickly knew this would be a great getaway for us. My sweet mother in law flew down with us as well. We all enjoyed our time together. 
While on the plane Kadence and I watched Rogue One – our movie of choice. We lip sang to Hamilton. We shared all the pink starbursts and even a smidge of diet Mtn Dew. We stared out the window at the wonder of the earth. 

A few things I learned while having this experience:

– this was the first time in 10 years Kadence didn’t have to share her time. Don’t get me wrong, sharing time isn’t a bad thing at all. But it was a wonderful thing for her growing pre teen soul to have devoted time. 

– when there are less distractions there really is more meaningful time to enjoy. Time to observe. Time to laugh. Time to just sit. Time to explore. Time to try new things. 

– we got to do the things that she wanted to do without the gruff of anyone else. That was probably my favorite. We both benefit from no one else’s whining. Sooooo we sat with our feet in the pool. She swam with cousins for hours. We took walks around the ranch. We played with our favorite Australian shepherd, dusty. We visited the horses. Walked around the lemon trees. They smell divine. We took Grama betsy on a late night run to In N Out – her first time! We visited with favorite family members who live far away. It really was just the being together that made this “the best trip ever”

– we went to “Harry Potter world”. I wish I could have recorded her the whole day. We walked into universal and she was beaming – but like on steroids. Then we made our way to Hogsmead. She squeezed my hand and said “I’m just so happy to be here with you. Mom, I’m tearing up.” Thennnn I was tearing up. Her dreams were coming true. We both agreed how much we missed Dad and the others. But we were so grateful for this time together. 

– I learned that no matter how we try, we can’t savor it all or slow time down. But I can try to make each day matter. Each day be filled with love. Some days are so hectic, granola bars are for breakfast and cold cereal is for dinner. Some days are perfect. Some are the worst ever. But each is a gift. 

– this weekend together with my favorite 12 year old was a true gift. I gained a stronger appreciation for the young woman Kadence is becoming. It is an honor to be her mom.

Moral of the story : we need long periods of time just one on one with each child. They are all SO very different. What they need from us isn’t so different though : time and love. 

It starts slowly. As most droughts do. Little by little it was depleting – without being replenished.

It, being my umph. Gusto. Care. Desire. Purpose. Light. I was experiencing a drought. 

Until one day I felt numb. This was a very new sensation. I’ve been overwhelmed before, more often than I’m not. I’ve been stressed before. I’ve felt that sense that “I’ll never be able to do what I need to”. But I’ve also been okay with that. It is what it is. There was no sense in guilt for what wasn’t done or even done perfectly or semi for that matter.  For most of my adult life I have been somewhat content with my efforts. As lame as they may have been. Perhaps I should have cared more. But most days I really did go to bed knowing that while my list remained several feet long – I did indeed have a good day where I did (mostly) try my best at what I spent my time working on. I felt connected to my Father in Heaven and guided by Jesus Christ. 

But not now. Now I felt confusion. Exhaustion. Defeated. And then I felt myself succumbing to it. Entering the numb realm. Hence the drought. I kept this to myself for sometime. “Fake it till you make it” really has been a friend of mine through out life. And moments would come where the drought seemed to have nourishment. 

One afternoon in particular I felt heavily weighed down. So many responsibilities. So many to not disappoint. So little time. Normally when not in a drought I would offer a little prayer. Ask for the ability to get done what was needed. Ask for clarity and comfort. But this day, I didn’t want to. In fact I felt it a waste of time at that moment. This went on for weeks. As a family we continued to say our prayers and read scriptures – but as for me. I retreated. As a result I felt more alone. 

I felt my days lacking joy. I was easily frustrated. Easily saddened. Easily annoyed. What was happening?  After a long and exhausting day of nothing too extraordinary, I was sharing some of my raw feelings with my husband. He is a very good man. A great listener. Time made me nervous that this drought would never leave. I was walking. No drudging thru new territory.  As was he. 

He gently said, “maybe we need to pray about this.” My initial response was “I don’t want to!” I really didn’t. I just wanted to avoid the whole situation. Being numb and not caring seemed like my only option at the moment. 

I went to bed. But didn’t ever really sleep. Anxiety visited me all night long. But for some reason I wanted to be in this drought. What other reason would I have tolerated this for so long? The next morning after the kids were ready and off to school. I came home, made a large bath and thought : “I’m going to clear my mind and just relax a bit.” A very dear friend of mine called, the dearest kind. After some casual daily chat, I said “I have a serious question for you.” 

And then I said it. I explained this funk, this drought I had been in. But that unlike a usual bad day or time, I didn’t care to do anything about it. And that my heart was hardening. But I didn’t want to reach to the One I knew I could help me. Apparently I wanted to be in a pitty party. How lame is that. After a warm, insightful discussion ; a change was happening. A trickle of hope was steadily coming. 

A few things that she said shot right to where they needed to be. Causing a break in the hardening shell of my heart. She reminded me who wants me to feel this way “the father of confusion”, she reminded me that this is the time more than ever my kids need me to pray for help. She graciously reminded me of my worth. And said “it’s going to be okay, you’re going to get thru this.” 

As grateful as I was for this experience and the beginning of a paradigm shift, I felt sheepish. What do I have to be in a bad mood about? My loving supportive husband? Five beautiful active wonderful children? Food always available? Roof and shelter everyday? See. Literally, I was embarrassed.  So embarrassed in fact that I didn’t want to pray for help knowing that my needs were so insignificant when I know (and don’t know) so many struggling with REAL problems. Here I was, just feeling yucky about life.

The change that I was so desperately needed could only come by way as a result of my choices. My actions. I had to PURPOSELY make a change. 

One step at a time. The first was acknowledging what was causing the drought. The relationship with my Savior was weak. My efforts and lack of had made that happen. This was a first for me. Experiencing this brought empathy into my heart. Empathy for all those who have ever found themselves to be in a drought. Like it was all just too hard – that retreating appeared to be the best option. That breaks my heart. 

For me, retreating was the answer. But not the solution. And after a short time of living that numb life – I knew I needed a solution. 

Sitting in church with a silent constant request to our Father in Heaven; “please help me. Please just help me.”

The speaker got up, she was sharing her testimony about the life of the Savior. It was a sweet message. Then she said these words, “He came to this earth. He came for you and He came for me. He was here” He was here. 

Suddenly my soul was overcome. With gratitude. With joy. With remembering what it was like when He was here. Here in my heart. Here in my life. When I let Him in. When I chose to follow Him. When I was humble enough to know that life is only this hard right now, because I was going at it all alone. All wrong. 

And so my drought is just about over. I have learned that it really is true – if you aren’t progressing and moving forward, you are moving backward. There is no stagnate state when it comes to our testimonies and relationships. If you are in a drought – please know that you are loved. There is hope. There is a rainfall to come. Just for you. 

How incredible is the atonement. How incredible is His perfect love for us. I know now, that these droughts are real. They are slow moving at times and then boom you find yourself in a place you didn’t even know existed. I never want to go to that place again. 

Each year I try to choose a word or phrase to help guide my efforts in daily life. 

 2016 was //choose to remember// 

2017 with be //happy on purpose//

To avoid the drought will take effort. A lot. And each bit of effort will be more than worth it. The peace, the guidance, the comfort that comes as a result is something I don’t want to take for granted again or miss. Ever. 

So as this new year starts : I’m anxious and excited to see what comes of being happy on purpose. What comes of choosing Him, Jesus Christ before all else. I know it’s going to be good. Really good. 

This year I hope everyone can show more compassion. When I say everyone, I mean me.  More kindness to eachother. Especially those we know and love and especially those we don’t yet. 

“For in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can’t see. Who am I to judge another? Lord I would follow thee.” 

Hymn 220

witnessing good in the world, is always a favorite past time.

today my kids participated in a cross country competition. there over a hundred kids all from several schools. besides their close friends and team mates, many were strangers to one another. grades 3-6.

lucy and benson were my sidekicks as we stayed posted on route to keep the runners on track and to cheer them on. participants had loved ones at the finish line to cheer them on. and then they had peers to cheer them on while they ran.

we had three runners from our family. i am so proud of them. it was hard and they did it. i love their honesty, when they tell us how hard it was.

and while we all have different gifts, it can be hard to remember that when what is so hard for us, appears to be so easy to all around you. even in fact, it isn’t all. each of us struggle. and just like these runners, we have supporters who are cheering for us.

the boys competed first. then while the girls ran, the boys from their teams were running along the trail, standing up on the hill, jumping up and down at the finish line; all while encouraging their team mates.

for about 30 minutes i witnessed our future. yes there is a great deal to be dismayed about in our society. but i believe there is opposition in all things. for all the evil and confusion in the world, there is goodness and sure knowledge. knowledge of how to be a good one. a good member of society who loves and supports others, even the competition. a good soul.

a few things i heard from 8-12 year olds, to their peers as they ran…

“don’t even take a step and walk, just keep running”

“you got this”

“go you! look at you go!”

“keep going, you can do this!”

“(insert name), you are awesome”

“you worked hard for this, you can do it”

then the end of the running came. a big cluster of runners fizzled. and there were a few runners bringing in the rear. where my favorite moments took place. maybe a bit of my heart feels for them, i was always a professional at bringing up the rear. runners who were done would go back to run with, cheer on and remind their friends and classmates that they are amazing. and that together we can do hard things.

and while i over heard parents, grandparents, siblings and teachers cheer on their runners, which does a heart good; nothing really compared to the commodore of these peers. and i realized that this IS our future. we are in the midst of raising our leaders. daunting it is and a privilege. i am so grateful for the cheer leaders my children have. for the village of good souls who beam with joy at the success of those around them. for being builders, not wreckers. for being includers, not excluders.

here’s to the future. what inspirations these young ones are. they are our real future.

Each school year my kids create class creeds in their classes. They memorize and recite it often. I’m always so proud to hear what it is each year and to hear them share it with gusto and heart. Be still my heart. 
This year my fourth graders brought this home. (I have two fourth graders – same class) Harrison couldn’t wait to share it with me and as he read it to me, a couple lines really stood out. 

“Each one of us will help one another by using the freedom that we have” 

“We will build each other’s confidence by being respectful”

In our world right now freedoms and respect seem all to quickly to be on their way to being replaced with entitlement and self serving. 

Personal freedoms, religious freedoms… in the land of free are under attack. And in turn so is being respectful.

Can you even imagine what our world would be like if even for a day we followed this creed created by nine and ten year old students along with their amazing teacher?