It starts slowly. As most droughts do. Little by little it was depleting – without being replenished.

It, being my umph. Gusto. Care. Desire. Purpose. Light. I was experiencing a drought. 

Until one day I felt numb. This was a very new sensation. I’ve been overwhelmed before, more often than I’m not. I’ve been stressed before. I’ve felt that sense that “I’ll never be able to do what I need to”. But I’ve also been okay with that. It is what it is. There was no sense in guilt for what wasn’t done or even done perfectly or semi for that matter.  For most of my adult life I have been somewhat content with my efforts. As lame as they may have been. Perhaps I should have cared more. But most days I really did go to bed knowing that while my list remained several feet long – I did indeed have a good day where I did (mostly) try my best at what I spent my time working on. I felt connected to my Father in Heaven and guided by Jesus Christ. 

But not now. Now I felt confusion. Exhaustion. Defeated. And then I felt myself succumbing to it. Entering the numb realm. Hence the drought. I kept this to myself for sometime. “Fake it till you make it” really has been a friend of mine through out life. And moments would come where the drought seemed to have nourishment. 

One afternoon in particular I felt heavily weighed down. So many responsibilities. So many to not disappoint. So little time. Normally when not in a drought I would offer a little prayer. Ask for the ability to get done what was needed. Ask for clarity and comfort. But this day, I didn’t want to. In fact I felt it a waste of time at that moment. This went on for weeks. As a family we continued to say our prayers and read scriptures – but as for me. I retreated. As a result I felt more alone. 

I felt my days lacking joy. I was easily frustrated. Easily saddened. Easily annoyed. What was happening?  After a long and exhausting day of nothing too extraordinary, I was sharing some of my raw feelings with my husband. He is a very good man. A great listener. Time made me nervous that this drought would never leave. I was walking. No drudging thru new territory.  As was he. 

He gently said, “maybe we need to pray about this.” My initial response was “I don’t want to!” I really didn’t. I just wanted to avoid the whole situation. Being numb and not caring seemed like my only option at the moment. 

I went to bed. But didn’t ever really sleep. Anxiety visited me all night long. But for some reason I wanted to be in this drought. What other reason would I have tolerated this for so long? The next morning after the kids were ready and off to school. I came home, made a large bath and thought : “I’m going to clear my mind and just relax a bit.” A very dear friend of mine called, the dearest kind. After some casual daily chat, I said “I have a serious question for you.” 

And then I said it. I explained this funk, this drought I had been in. But that unlike a usual bad day or time, I didn’t care to do anything about it. And that my heart was hardening. But I didn’t want to reach to the One I knew I could help me. Apparently I wanted to be in a pitty party. How lame is that. After a warm, insightful discussion ; a change was happening. A trickle of hope was steadily coming. 

A few things that she said shot right to where they needed to be. Causing a break in the hardening shell of my heart. She reminded me who wants me to feel this way “the father of confusion”, she reminded me that this is the time more than ever my kids need me to pray for help. She graciously reminded me of my worth. And said “it’s going to be okay, you’re going to get thru this.” 

As grateful as I was for this experience and the beginning of a paradigm shift, I felt sheepish. What do I have to be in a bad mood about? My loving supportive husband? Five beautiful active wonderful children? Food always available? Roof and shelter everyday? See. Literally, I was embarrassed.  So embarrassed in fact that I didn’t want to pray for help knowing that my needs were so insignificant when I know (and don’t know) so many struggling with REAL problems. Here I was, just feeling yucky about life.

The change that I was so desperately needed could only come by way as a result of my choices. My actions. I had to PURPOSELY make a change. 

One step at a time. The first was acknowledging what was causing the drought. The relationship with my Savior was weak. My efforts and lack of had made that happen. This was a first for me. Experiencing this brought empathy into my heart. Empathy for all those who have ever found themselves to be in a drought. Like it was all just too hard – that retreating appeared to be the best option. That breaks my heart. 

For me, retreating was the answer. But not the solution. And after a short time of living that numb life – I knew I needed a solution. 

Sitting in church with a silent constant request to our Father in Heaven; “please help me. Please just help me.”

The speaker got up, she was sharing her testimony about the life of the Savior. It was a sweet message. Then she said these words, “He came to this earth. He came for you and He came for me. He was here” He was here. 

Suddenly my soul was overcome. With gratitude. With joy. With remembering what it was like when He was here. Here in my heart. Here in my life. When I let Him in. When I chose to follow Him. When I was humble enough to know that life is only this hard right now, because I was going at it all alone. All wrong. 

And so my drought is just about over. I have learned that it really is true – if you aren’t progressing and moving forward, you are moving backward. There is no stagnate state when it comes to our testimonies and relationships. If you are in a drought – please know that you are loved. There is hope. There is a rainfall to come. Just for you. 

How incredible is the atonement. How incredible is His perfect love for us. I know now, that these droughts are real. They are slow moving at times and then boom you find yourself in a place you didn’t even know existed. I never want to go to that place again. 

Each year I try to choose a word or phrase to help guide my efforts in daily life. 

 2016 was //choose to remember// 

2017 with be //happy on purpose//

To avoid the drought will take effort. A lot. And each bit of effort will be more than worth it. The peace, the guidance, the comfort that comes as a result is something I don’t want to take for granted again or miss. Ever. 

So as this new year starts : I’m anxious and excited to see what comes of being happy on purpose. What comes of choosing Him, Jesus Christ before all else. I know it’s going to be good. Really good. 

This year I hope everyone can show more compassion. When I say everyone, I mean me.  More kindness to eachother. Especially those we know and love and especially those we don’t yet. 

“For in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can’t see. Who am I to judge another? Lord I would follow thee.” 

Hymn 220