“mom, will you carry me to bed?”

he asked me this as i was holding him, staring into his eyes. i had just asked him if he knew he was now four and a half years old. he giggled and said “no, i am not. wait is it true?”

and then it hit me.

when your heart stops for a moment while it processes.

the anxiety kicks in.

when my role as a mom no longer be what it has been for over 10 years.

already: it has changed. there are so many tasks, the ones that threaded my days together, that i don’t do. there are no bottles being made. no diapers being changed, thrown out to the garage to be taken to the trash can. no babies needing a gentle bath after yet, another explosion. no testing of the baby food to see what their favorites would be. i’ll tell you what no one hated baby peas like miss kadence and she loves them like candy now. no more getting little humans dressed : like little dolls who have amazing high kicks and ninja moves. there are a few daily tasks that passed and i wasn’t sad to see move on…like the hours spent trying to consul a colicky baby boy. or the wet sheets in the night. or running out of diapers or formula at the most convenient times. 11 pm or 5 am. wait, was that only us? as i type this “cry me a riverrrrr” plays thru my head. i will JT. i will cry a river over my babies being so freaking old.

so when does it happen? when does this creeping transition take place? i don’t know. but it is sneaky, really sneaky. the same kind of sneaky when a certain now 9 year old wakes up before the rest of the house and sneaks a few chocolate chip granola bars into his room. when i awake i have no idea. it isn’t for a few days till i notice a wrapper or piece of one poking out of a drawer … that sneaky bugger.

a few things i am holding onto still. dedicated to savor. to enjoy:

being woke up every morning but a little voice and footsteps : somewhere between that of an elephant and a puppy. the request “can i snug wich you?” a refill of water- there will be a day, not too far away, that i am sure no one will need a cup water filled by their mom. until that day i will be grateful to help out with such a task. the excitement one has when they finished a chapter in their current book. the “you have got to come and see this mom!” those vary from how cute the dogs look cuddled on the couch, to a four hundred piece lego creation. every day there is a lot of “you gotta see this”.  and guess what? sometimes i had just sat down and i don’t really wanna get up at that moment. well i am resolving to change that attitude.

while it continues to change and evolve, my heart grows more in love with these awesome humans. i hope to be able to find the joy in this stage of parenting. to have no regrets. tis not the easiest of tasks somedays.

here i am, mother of an 11 year old, two 9 year olds, a six year old and 4 year old. now missing : the time we had three cribs, went thru hundreds of diapers a month, multiple 5 point harness system car seats at one time…i hope to have a few more requests “mom, will you carry me to bed?”

just to be able to say YES!